


Head Full Moon

by Clevercookie101



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional, Gen, Kim Youngjo | Ravn-centric, Please Read Author Notes, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clevercookie101/pseuds/Clevercookie101
Summary: Youngjo is the one everyone leans on. He has a unique perception of emotions where he understands what everyone feels and exactly what to say to make them feel better.But he never lets his members see his emotions. He feels if they see him being anything but happy, they’ll worry about him. That he’ll be a burden. He feels guilty for feeling.The only one he’ll talk to is the moon, something who isn'tsomeonehe can burden with his true thoughts.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 23
Collections: Sides of the Moon stories





	Head Full Moon

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is a very heavy and emotional piece! It has a lot of negative thoughts, toxic positivity, breaking down from the inside, overworking, self-blame, unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional exhaustion, passing out from exhaustion, etc. 
> 
> This is a very personal piece that expresses some of my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences when I go through particularly tough times. Sometimes I feel I’m burdening people by feeling negative emotions. I want to make everyone else happy, so I toss away my own happiness to help them. But sometimes that only hurts me more. I’ve realized I deserve to be taken care of too. 
> 
> I thought this concept fit Youngjo. I feel we always see him supporting his members, but we never see him leaning on them. It makes me wonder if he gets the support he needs; I really hope he does. Also he’s ENFJ and I’m INFJ, so I recognize a lot of similarities between us. But maybe that’s just me projecting myself onto him…
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

Youngjo is overwhelmed. 

There is so much to get done. He needs to fold the laundry, record Hwanwoong’s dance video, help Giwook with a track, and work on his own music. Everything just seems to be piling up, and this is only the work for today. 

He’s also distracted by other things. Thoughts he buries deep down for the good of the group trying to crawl to the surface. He thinks these thoughts are what truly plague him. 

Youngjo shakes his head. He doesn’t have the energy to give any attention to those thoughts. He has a to-do list he must complete. He decides he’ll head to the studio and work on his track before he goes to see Giwook. 

Youngjo gets dressed quickly. It’s still pretty early, so most of the members are still in bed. The only person who’s awake is Hwanwoong as he got up early to go practice his dance. 

Youngjo pokes his head into the bedroom and quietly announces his departure. He doesn’t think anyone heard him though because he gets silence in response. 

He takes the elevator downstairs to where his studio is. He passes by Giwook in the hallway, also up early to work on his music, and tells him that he’ll come by later. Giwook thanks him for helping out. 

Youngjo opens the door to his studio and shuts it quietly behind him. The lights are still on; he must have forgotten to turn them off last night. He dumps his stuff onto the floor and takes a seat in front of his monitor. 

He boots up his computer and is met by the song he’s been working on for the past month. He must’ve been really tired last night because otherwise he wouldn’t have left the program still running. 

Youngjo skims over the song to refresh his memory. Then he notices an abrupt stop in the song. He glares at the empty space on his computer screen where the song should continue. Now he remembers, he had been so frustrated and tired last night that he had given up on finishing the song and went to bed. 

He sighs, cursing his past self for having left so much unfinished work, but also knowing it was probably smarter to walk away when he did. He cracks his knuckles and gets to work on the song, mind immediately switching into focus mode. 

He barely registers the knock on his door. It snaps him out of his work he doesn’t want to admit he hasn’t made much progress on. 

Youngjo gets up and unlocks his door. It slowly creeks open to reveal Dongju, dressed in sweatpants and one of Youngjo’s shirts. He’s clutching the hem of the shirt and staring at the floor. He looks upset. 

Youngjo’s mind fills with worry. “Ju? Are you alright?” Dongju just sniffles. Youngjo pouts and takes Dongju’s hand, “Here, come inside.”

Youngjo leads Dongju into his studio and shuts the door with his foot. Dongju immediately sits in Youngjo’s lap once he sits back down; there’s no additional seating in Youngjo’s studio because it’s too small. 

Youngjo wraps an arm around Dongju’s waist. “Hey, Ju.” He looks Dongju up and down to try and assess what’s the matter. He notices Dongju’s eyes are puffy and red. He’s been crying. “What’s wrong?” 

Dongju bursts into tears. Sobs wrack through his chest, causing his whole body to shake. Youngjo just sits patiently and rubs soothing circles into Dongju’s back. He’ll give Dongju all the time he needs. 

Eventually, the crying stops. Dongju, now exhausted, collapses on top of Youngjo’s chest. He tucks his head into the crook of Youngjo’s neck. “Hyung…”

“Yes?”

_ “Are we ever going to debut?” _ Dongju’s voice trembles, barely above a whisper. 

Youngjo’s heart aches when he hears those words, especially coming from Dongju. Dongju sounds so scared, bottom lip quivering as he clenches his fist. 

Youngjo wishes he could take all of Dongju’s pain away. Youngjo is his hyung, the oldest in the group. It’s his responsibility to take care of his dongsaengs. To make sure they wash up in the mornings, eat and drink enough, and go to bed early. 

To make sure they’re always happy. 

Youngjo wishes he could say yes with certainty. He wishes he could say that  _ one _ simple word that’d take all of Dongju’s sorrow away, but he can’t manage to get it out. 

Maybe it’s because he’s not convinced either. 

But he doesn’t want to burden his members with his pessimistic thoughts. He could never forgive himself if he brought worry onto his members. He’s always pushed this thought deep down, so deep even he can’t find it. He puts on a smile in hopes it’ll rub-off on his members. If he can’t be happy, at least they can be.

The worry he tries to bury. One he’s been trying to hide since he met the others. The thought makes him want to scream in frustration and agony. People claim that evaluations are the hardest time for a trainee, but Youngjo thinks this tops that. It’s the waiting phase, when it’s completely out of your control. The time where you’ve been hired by a company and assigned to a group. It’s the time spent waiting to debut. 

It’s the hardest time. And Youngjo’s been through it too many times to count, he almost feels numb to it. It hurts because you think after surviving eliminations, there’s nothing that can stop you from achieving your dream. You have so much hope knowing your hard work and dedication paid off. That those skipped meals and sleepless nights were worth it because now you’re finally going to debut. 

But all the hope is crushed by one simple thing: when the company pushes back your debut date. 

The first time, it’s ok. You reason it’s just bad timing or something isn’t ready yet. But then it happens again and again. You begin to wonder if your blood, sweat, and tears were really worth it. You gave your soul to this company, only for them to shrug and say maybe next month. It hurts, it feels hopeless, but you just have to nod and say ok. 

Youngjo thinks this is what Dongju is going through now. Their debut has already been pushed back four times. Youngjo has chosen to omit that fact from his mind, but Dongju can’t. He is new to this; it’s his first time being a trainee. His hopes haven’t been crushed before. 

Youngjo could take all of Dongju’s pain away if he can just tell him yes. But he can’t, and he hates that. 

“I…I don’t know…”

Dongju’s breathing hitches. And then he starts crying again. Before Youngjo can stop him, Dongju shoves himself off of Youngjo and runs out the door, trying his best to hide his tears. Youngjo is left alone, frozen in place. Maybe he should run after Dongju, but he thinks he’s done enough damage as is. 

It’s colder without Dongju in his arms. It’s colder now that Youngjo has exposed his own fears. He wishes he could hide them. 

Maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t said anything… 

* * *

Youngjo forces himself out of his studio. He has to work on the track with Giwook as he had promised. 

He saves his progress and puts his computer into rest mode, although he doubts he’ll have the time to come back to it today. 

He makes the short trip to Giwook’s studio down the hall. He knocks on the door and someone calls come in from inside. 

Youngjo enters Giwook’s studio. It’s cluttered and cramped, especially cramped seeing as there are three people in it right now. Youngjo glances to the side and sees Geonhak standing in the corner. 

“Hey, Hak.”

“Hi, hyung,” Geonhak flashes a shy smile. 

Giwook spins around in his chair to face Youngjo, “Youngjo-hyung!”

“Hey.”

“Sorry, I forgot to mention Geonhak-hyung was going to be here too. I wanted to make this a rap line track, you know? It’s been awhile since we’ve done one.” 

“That’s fine.” 

“Geonhak-hyung has been helping me finalize the lyrics. I already have your and hyung’s verses ready. I’m just finishing up my own.” 

“Are we going to record today?”

“Yeah, if that’s alright with you?” 

Youngjo bites his lip. He really doesn’t have the time today. He already has too much on his plate. But he also doesn’t want to force Giwook and Geonhak to wait. It’s better if he pushes back his chores than theirs. 

“Sure.” 

“Great! I’ll meet you two in the recording studio. I already asked PD-nim if we could use it today and he said it was fine.” 

“Ok.” Youngjo glances at Geonhak and he nods back, walking over to Youngjo. They step out of Giwook’s studio and make their way to the recording studio. 

“Hey, hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know if Dongju is ok?” 

Youngjo gulps. He hadn’t forgotten what had happened earlier. In fact, it had plagued him the entire time he was working on his music. He just hates that he was the one responsible for hurting Dongju. He really hopes Dongju is alright, but he doesn’t want to bug Dongju anymore. 

“I’m not sure…”

“Did something happen? I saw him earlier when I was on my way to Giwook’s. He looked pretty upset.” 

“…I said something to him that hurt his feelings…” 

“Oh.” Geonhak blinks, “He’ll come around, hyung, don’t worry. He’s stubborn, but he’ll forgive you eventually.” 

“I hope you’re right… I just feel awful.” 

“It’s ok. You can apologize to him when you get back to the dorm.” 

They finally arrive at the recording studio after what feels like an eternity. In reality, it had only been a few minutes. Geonhak opens the door for Youngjo and they start tidying up the place. 

Seoho and Keonhee had probably been here yesterday to practice vocals and forgot to clean-up. There were some empty chip bags on the floor and a half-empty water bottle balanced on the corner of the keyboard. Even the headphone cords in the booth are tangled up. 

Geonhak goes to untangle the cords while Youngjo picks up the trash. At some point, Giwook enters. 

“Sorry I’m late. Yonghoon-hyung called asking where the remote was. Took him ages to figure out he had put it in the cabinet by accident.” Giwook shakes his head, but a fond smile is on his lips. 

“It’s alright, we’re just tidying up.” 

“Let me help,” Giwook takes the garbage bag from Youngjo and walks it to the main garbage can outside. He returns quickly after washing his hands. “That should do it.” 

“We can get started now.”

“Yeah. Is Geonhak-hyung already in the booth?” Giwook glances through the glass and sees Geonhak already warming up. “He can record first then.” 

Giwook takes a seat in the PD’s chair and Youngjo pulls one up next to him. Giwook lets Geonhak know that he’s going first, and Geonhak nods obediently. He steps out briefly to grab the lyrics sheet. 

Youngjo mostly zones out while Geonhak is recording. He forces himself to pay attention at least a little though, since Giwook tends to ask for second opinions on how something sounds. But otherwise, Youngjo really can’t focus on what’s happening. 

He does register that Geonhak is very good. There are barely any slip-ups and Giwook is quite satisfied with how he sounds. He only asks Geonhak to redo something once and that’s after asking Youngjo for a second opinion. Before Youngjo knows it, it’s his turn. 

To be honest, Youngjo was hoping Geonhak would take a bit longer. But at the same time, he needs to get out of his thoughts and be productive instead. 

Youngjo stands and pats Geonhak on the shoulder as he passes him. Youngjo situates himself in the booth, fixing the height of the music stand, reorganizing the lyric sheets, and adjusting the volume of the headset. 

Giwook walks him through what he wants the recording to sound like and Youngjo does his best to understand. But it feels like what Giwook says is going through one ear and out the other. Youngjo recognizes all the terminology he’s using, but he can’t quite seem to match it to its meaning. 

Youngjo just nods and begins rapping. He thinks he sounded good, but when Giwook plays it back to him, there’s a frown on his face. Youngjo then hears just how off-key he was. He apologizes quickly and tries again. 

He follows the symbols with his eyes and keeps in mind the notes, but it’s too much for him to focus on and he stumbles over his words. He apologizes again. 

Third time's a charm, he states. Then he goes again. This time, it’s even worse. It’s a combination of both issues, the key is off and his words are jumbled. Maybe the third time isn’t a charm…

It’s a whole hour later, and he still hasn’t made it past his first two lines. By now, Youngjo is frustrated with himself. He rips the headphones off his head and sighs heavily. 

He knows the others are frustrated too. Usually, Youngjo is quite observant and quick to correct his mistakes. But there are many more than he can handle addressing at one time. 

Giwook is patient with him as he always is, but Geonhak is obviously mad. Geonhak isn’t very patient, only patient with a select group of people, but when it comes to music, he’s very picky. Even though he isn’t saying anything, Youngjo can tell by the scowl on his face that he’s disappointed. 

“I-I’m sorry, I think I should stop for today…” Youngjo says. 

“Hyung—” Giwook starts. 

“No, no. I’m just going to keep dragging you down. I’m taking more than twice the amount of time Geonhak took. Just work on your own verse today, alright?” 

“But—”

“Just let him go,” Geonhak interrupts, “It’s better to get progress done and even Youngjo agreed that he needs a break. We can come back to this later.” 

Youngjo knows Geonhak means well, but for some reason, his words sting. Blunt has always been Geonhak’s preferred method of delivery though. He’s a very straightforward, get-to-the-point type of person. Maybe Youngjo is just being extra sensitive today. 

Youngjo apologizes one last time before leaving. He hates himself for bringing down the team. It’s his fault they’re forced to push back the entire production. 

Why can’t he do anything right?

* * *

Hwanwoong texts Youngjo and asks if he’s ready to film his dance video. Youngjo really hopes he is. He’s not the one performing, so there shouldn’t be any way for him to screw up. All he has to do is hold the camera steady.

Youngjo meets Hwanwoong in one of the dance practice rooms. Even from the hallway, Youngjo can hear the sounds of music spilling out, volume at its max. It causes Youngjo’s head to throb. 

Youngjo enters quietly and tries not to distract Hwanwoong as he wraps up a run-through of the choreography. It’s flawless, as always. 

When Hwanwoong finishes, he pauses the music, “Hey, hyung, thanks for doing this. Normally I’d ask a staff member, but they were busy filming for Mamamoo-sunbaenim.” 

“It’s alright, Woong, I don’t mind.” 

Hwanwoong walks over to the corner of the room where his water and bag is. He takes a sip of water and grabs something from his bag. When he returns, he’s holding a small camera. He hands the camera to Youngjo, explains that he’s borrowing it from a staff member, and instructs Youngjo on how to use it. Then he gets into position to start the dance. 

“Ready?” Hwanwoong asks. 

“Yeah… 1, 2, 3— Action!” Youngjo presses play on the speakers and centers Hwanwoong in the frame. 

Hwanwoong runs through the choreography smoothly. It’s all muscle memory to him. Youngjo follows his movements with the camera and tries his best not to get in Hwanwoong’s way while also maintaining a good angle. 

When Hwanwoong finishes, he does his ending pose and lets the music fade out. Youngjo waits until the song starts to loop again before he stops the recording. Except, he realizes he hadn’t been recording the whole time. 

“Let me watch it back, hyung.” Hwanwoong says as he gets up off the floor. 

“Uh…it seems I wasn’t filming…”

He expects Hwanwoong to be mad but he isn’t, “That’s fine, hyung. It’s a new camera you’ve never used before. Besides, I messed up halfway through so it’ll be good to redo it.” Youngjo can tell Hwanwoong is lying; he didn’t miss a single beat. 

“Yeah…let me just rewind the music.” 

Youngjo cues up the song and Hwanwoong gets into formation again. Youngjo ensures he has hit the record button before pressing play on the music. Hwanwoong begins to dance. 

It’s during the chorus when Youngjo feels a wave of nausea overtake him. It’s quite unexpected. He feels he blacks out for a second, stumbling over his feet and tripping. 

Next thing he knows, he’s on the floor, music shut off, and Hwanwoong is hovering over him with the most concerned expression Youngjo has ever seen on his face. 

“Hyung…  _ hyung!” _

“Woong…?”

“Thank goodness you’re awake! Here, sit up and drink some water.” Hwanwoong helps Youngjo sit up and presses his water bottle to his lips. 

Youngjo lets Hwanwoong take care of him, “What happened?” 

“I’m not sure; I think you blacked out for a second.”

“Oh…”

“Are you alright? Have you been eating? Hydrating? Getting enough rest?” 

Youngjo feels a ping of guilt knowing he’s causing Hwanwoong to worry. “I’m fine,” but he doesn’t sound very convincing, “let’s just finish recording your video.” 

“Hyung,” Hwanwoong gestures to the floor on Youngjo’s left. There’s the camera on the floor, shattered to bits. “You dropped it when you fell. I think it’s broken.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” 

“No, I’m  _ really _ sorry. I just keep screwing things up today…”

“It’s really ok, hyung. I’ll just wait until a staff member can help me later. I think it’ll be better if you go back to the dorm and rest.” 

Even though Hwanwoong told him it’s alright, Youngjo can’t seem to let it go. How can it be ok? He ruined Hwanwoong’s dance video  _ and _ broke a camera. It probably wasn’t a cheap one either. 

But he doesn’t have the energy to say anything. He just lets Hwanwoong help him up and walk him back to the dorm. Hwanwoong drops him off and says he’s going back to clean up the broken camera and let the staff know. Youngjo makes Hwanwoong promise to tell the staff it was Youngjo who had dropped it. Youngjo could never forgive himself if Hwanwoong took the blame for something he wasn’t the slightest bit responsible for. 

He’ll never be able to clean up the mess he’s made.

* * *

Youngjo enters the dorm, mind foggy. He barely remembers to take off his shoes and put them away. 

When he turns around, he sees Keonhee sitting on the couch. “Oh, hey Keonhee, I didn’t notice you were there.” 

Keonhee can’t make eye contact with Youngjo, “C-Can we talk…?” 

Youngjo feels his heart stop. He was hoping he could just lay in his bed and sleep it all off, but he can tell whatever is on Keonhee’s mind is really bothering him. He can’t in good conscience leave Keonhee like that. 

“Yeah, sure.” Youngjo joins Keonhee on the couch. 

It takes a long time for Keonhee to muster up the courage to speak. When he does, he just blurts it out in one big chunk of words, barely comprehensible. “Did something happen between you and Dongju because he came home in tears earlier today and jumped in my bed and kept crying into my chest about how you’re a  _ stupid hyung _ and I don’t know what to think but he seemed really upset and now he’s sleeping it off which is good he seemed so emotionally drained and he needs the rest.” Keonhee pants once he’s finished. 

Youngjo feels breathless after all that, even though he wasn’t the one speaking. “How should I put this? I said something to him earlier that may have upset him…” 

“What did you say to him?” 

“Well,” Youngjo takes a deep breath, “he asked me if we were going to debut… I told him I’m not sure.” 

Keonhee doesn’t speak. The silence is suffocating to Youngjo, but he knows Keonhee needs his time to form a response. 

“You took his hope away,” is all Keonhee says. 

“I-I didn’t mean to! I just, I couldn’t say yes. I don’t know why…” Youngjo adverts his eyes. 

“I know, but he’s still young and he looks up to you as the oldest. He really takes your word to heart.” 

Youngjo doesn’t understand why that breaks him, but it feels like the rubber band inside him has snapped. “It’s not my responsibility to babysit him!”

“Hyung, calm down—”

“No! Don’t tell me to calm down! Go tell Dongju  _ he’s _ being overdramatic!” 

Now Keonhee has raised his voice, “Leave Dongju alone! You’ve hurt him enough!”

“Yeah, I  _ will _ leave him alone! Unlike  _ you!  _ Whenever someone feels the  _ tiniest _ bit of sadness, you soak it up like a sponge! Then you go around all mopey making  _ everyone _ feel guilty! You’re so sensitive!” 

It’s too late when Youngjo realizes what he had said. It’s too late when he sees the pain in Keonhee’s eyes. It’s too late to take everything back. 

Keonhee chokes on his tears and stammers out, “Well, thanks for being honest…” Then he shoots up and dashes for the bedroom. 

Youngjo drops his head into his hands. Why did he say all that? He doesn’t think that at all. He doesn’t think he’s “babysitting” Dongju. He loves taking care of Dongju and wants to preserve his innocence for as long as possible. In a way, Youngjo sees Dongju as the childhood that he gave up to become a trainee. 

And he loves Keonhee. He loves how Keonhee isn’t afraid to show his emotions. And he loves how Keonhee always pays attention to others emotions too. He’ll share in your highs and lows; he has such a unique ability with empathy that Youngjo can only dream of having.

Youngjo hates that he’s hurt so many people today. First Dongju, now Keonhee too. Youngjo can still hear Keonhee’s sobs, and now he can hear Dongju trying to comfort Keonhee as well. All because the walls are thin. 

Youngjo thinks maybe he’s been stretched thin.   
  


* * *

An orange glow filters over Youngjo’s eyes as he stirs awake. He must have fallen asleep after talking to Keonhee. He still feels terrible about what he had said. All his thoughts are making his head ache. 

Youngjo looks around and realizes he’s no longer on the couch. He’s in the bedroom now laying on a bed. It doesn’t take long to recognize it’s Seoho’s bed and not his own. 

Youngjo swings his feet over the edge of the bed and rolls off, fighting back the headrush he gets while standing up. It makes him dizzy, like when he blacked out earlier, but he fights it. Then he pads over to the door. 

It’s been left cracked open. The bright hallway must have been the source of orange light from earlier. Youngjo briefly turns around to see if anyone else is in the bedroom; there’s no one. 

Youngjo steps out of the room expecting to see the rest of his members gathered around the TV, but all he spots is Seoho. 

Seoho glances up at Youngjo. Then he pats the cushion to his right. Youngjo wordlessly sits down next to him. 

Youngjo finally breaks the silence, “Where is everyone?”

“Out for dinner.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

“I’m not hungry. I told them to bring something back for you, although I’m surprised you woke up before they got here. You seemed pretty tired, didn’t even stir when Geonhak and I carried you to bed.” 

“I’m sorry…”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“You had to carry me to bed…” 

“I did that on my own accord. Besides, there’s plenty of others who deserve your apology more than I do.” 

“You know about what happened?”

“Yeah. I was home when Dongju came back this morning. I was also in the bathroom and heard you and Keonhee yelling.” Seoho only pauses briefly then continues, “Geonhak told me you were having difficulty with recording earlier. And Hwanwoong texted me to make sure you got back safely after you passed out in the dance studio.” 

“So you know  _ everything _ that happened?” 

“You really should be taking better care of yourself, hyung. I’m worried about you.” 

The thought scares Youngjo. He doesn’t want the other worrying about him. Seoho has enough to handle with just his own problems. He doesn’t deserve to be burdened by Youngjo too. He wishes he could hide his emotions better. 

“I’m sorry—”

“And stop apologizing! You’ve done nothing wrong to me. I just want to make sure you’re ok. Keonhee is the one who really deserves an apology, but he knows you didn’t mean what you said. It hurt him in the moment, but he could tell you were just overwhelmed and took it out on him by accident.” 

That’s even worse. Youngjo thought he was just worrying Seoho and Hwanwoong, but now he knows he’s making over  _ half _ of them worry. Maybe even  _ all _ of them. Why does he have to feel? Why can’t he just ignore his emotions so he can focus on the others? His problems are miniscule compared to the other members’ anyway, so why should he, or even them for that matter, have to waste their energy on Youngjo’s feelings? 

“Ok.” Is what Youngjo says. It’s the simplest response he can think of. He doesn’t want to make this any bigger of a deal than it already is. He doesn’t want to make Seoho worry any longer, and he hopes Seoho will relay the message to the others. Youngjo is fine. He’s fine. He’s fine…  _ He’s… _

“Hyung—”

Youngjo abruptly stands up. “It’s really ok! You don’t have to worry about me. See, I’m feeling just great! In fact, I’m going to go—”

Seoho grabs Youngjo by the wrist and pulls him into a hug. It’s rare Seoho accepts skinship let alone initiates it. He only does so when someone really needs it. For example, when Seoho is nervous. Or when a member is hurting and needs physical reassurance. Just like now, how he is trying to comfort Youngjo with his embrace. 

Youngjo wants to cry. He wants to, he wants to so badly cry into Seoho’s shoulder and tell him everything that hurts: his head, and his heart. But no tears come out. Youngjo has conditioned himself to never cry in front of his members. They don’t deserve to see him so weak. He must stay strong, for their sakes. 

Seoho holds Youngjo just a little bit longer. Whether it’s for his own comfort or Youngjo’s at this point is unclear though. But Youngjo just lets Seoho cling to him. 

Eventually, Seoho lets go. Youngjo can see Seoho’s eyes are glossy so he brushes the phantom tears away with his thumb. He assures Seoho it’ll be alright, that he’ll be alright. 

He really hopes this one isn’t a lie.   
  


* * *

The rest of the evening passes in a blur. The others return home with food. Dongju refuses to talk to Youngjo, stating he’s going to wash up and leaves for the bathroom. Geonhak updates Youngjo on the track; Giwook and him finished their verses and recorded them. Hwanwoong encourages Youngjo to eat, ensuring he finishes his entire meal. Keonhee just hugs Youngjo and tells him he’s sorry for earlier. Seoho asks everyone to leave Youngjo alone to rest for the night. 

Youngjo goes to sleep early. His members stay up to watch a movie, leaving the bedroom empty so Youngjo can sleep. Youngjo is grateful for the peace and quiet because he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. 

But now he’s awake again. It’s the dead of night, everyone else snoring lightly around him. Youngjo gets up and leaves the dorm. No one follows. 

He knows he’s not allowed to be up here, but he sneaks onto the rooftop anyway. He likes it up here, with the fresh air. It looks over the city. There’s even a clear view of the sky from it. 

He sits down on the edge of the roof and dangles his feet over the edge. It’s been a while since he’s snuck up here. He hasn’t done this since his first evaluation. 

Youngjo glances at the moon. It’s a full moon tonight. Maybe that’s what’s amplifying his emotions.

_ He tells… _

He tells the moon everything: his dreams, his fears, his hopes, his worries. He lets every emotion he’s been concealing ooze out of him. He confesses every sin, every regret. He admits his wrongdoings. He acknowledges his guilt. 

He hates himself. He hates that he can’t protect everyone. He hates that he can see the pain in his members’ faces when they’re told to wait another day. He hates that no matter what he says, those looks won’t go away. He hates that he can’t even take care of himself. He hates that he’s let himself get to the point where he breaks. And he hates that he’s hurt them by hurting himself. 

Why can’t he be there for everyone? Why isn’t there enough of him to go around? Why can’t he make them happy? 

_ Why can’t he make himself happy?  _

He talks and talks until his voice is gone, until his throat is hoarse. Whether it’s from speaking or crying, Youngjo will never know.

But the moon says nothing in return. 

The silence is both pleasing and aggravating. On one hand, the moon could never judge Youngjo for what he tells it. But on the other hand, the moon can never validate his feelings. It leaves him with just his own thoughts. 

It leaves him wallowing in his own guilt. 

**Author's Note:**

> Though this story is very angsty, it’s not a representation of what has to be. You may feel you’re a burden when you feel emotions. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not a burden. Your feelings are completely valid. And sometimes, we just need someone to lean on. I encourage everyone to reach out if they need to, and I encourage everyone to listen if someone asks you to. Sometimes just listening is enough to validate people’s emotions. It’s ok to take care of each other and it’s ok to let ourselves be taken care of too. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos, comments, etc. are greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Clevercookie101?s=21).


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